Salmon Screen

The Motorcycle Diaries (2004)

Wed, 17 Feb 2010 23:10:35 -0500

I was going through my head thinking of things I had to do and this was pretty low on the list. Writing this, I mean. So without any real motivation I kinda felt it would be the best thing TO DO, since I don’t care.

I was sitting here wondering when the urge to hit up redtube would kick in when I thought: “Remember that awesome goal you set for yourself? To write reviews for any movie you watch? Even if you’ve already reviewed?”

Then I thought, yeah, that was a great idea. Until it got daunting. I go through about 2-4 movies a day. If there was a celluloid equivalent of a cat lady that’d be just about where I’m at.

With all this volume and Netflix turnover, I can hardly remember what I’ve seen from day to day, but I’m pretty sure I watched this one. And when I’m pretty sure, that means I did. And if I did, you should too.

You’re going to see an attractive leper at some point (attractive. yes, they have a sliding scale for these things), but he doesn’t bang her so you can fast forward if you want. It’s one of those kinda movies.

In all seriousness, I thought the “experience” of Che on the road didn’t really seem all that searing. For all I know, though, Che was easily impressed. Show him a couple poor people and he just wants to murder capitalists. If that’s how it went down then this movie is spot on. If, however, the poverty and exploitation was WORSE than what we see in this film, I think they would have done better to demonstrate that. This Che doesn’t say a whole lot, so his vacillation at the end seems more like the last decade of my life where I looked at my Classical History degree and said WTF?

Mustache: “Have you seen Y Tu Mama...

Wed, 17 Feb 2010 23:02:00 -0500

Mustache: “Have you seen Y Tu Mama Tambien?”

….

Mustache: “Oye! I’m talking to you! Fine, I don’t want to talk to you either.”

(Author’s note: See the joke is Che doesn’t want to talk because he has asthma. Get it?)

Jennifer Connelly is nowehere near this naked in the movie. Look...

Mon, 13 Apr 2009 11:44:28 -0400

Jennifer Connelly is nowehere near this naked in the movie. Look at this shit: Measurements: 34C/D-22-34 (Source: Celebrity Sleuth magazine). I found that on IMDB.com. wtf? That’s a healthy girl.

The Day The Earth Stood Still (2008)

Mon, 13 Apr 2009 11:39:59 -0400

Have you seen the Matrix?

Kidding. Um…hang on. I like…mini-reviewed this in a chat with my friend. Rather than think more about it..oh wait fuck, I just remembered I wrot a age about it yesterday.

Let me fire up Word.

K so I was drunk and wrote the following, but if you want to skip all that here’s my recommendation: see it if you want, it’s not so bad….

Keanu reeves is a little typical, but not overly so. The character calls for it. But that being the case they should have found someone else for the role whom we would not have said “is he gonna be another wooden omnipotent doer-of-all like we saw in the matrix. Not for nothing but that was a big role for him so it kinda sticks to the mental ribs.

Otherwise the idea was sound but I think it could have been more cerebral. Instead a cheesy melodrama cemetery scene, how about something more incrememntal and/or intricate.

No one oever died on alpha centauri? They don’t deal with death? Of course they do. He needs to repair himself, they can die. So therefore show something unique to humans. Hard? Too bad, youre the artist. DO IT.

They’ve been watching us this long, they’ve seen us get down and drink over death and then come back and do the same thing. All creatures sell out in the face of death. Put death at the feet of the human race and surely we wil cower. Duh. Give us something more fearsome. Annihilation? Meh…ok. Kinda. But we presented ourselves with annihilation in 1945 and decided the best course of action would be MAD. Theres a great idea. Neutrality by mutually assured destruction. Fucking brilliant. My dad votes republican.

Show something else. Like Bach. That was a nice touch. Think Troy. “Your beauty is that you can die.” Therefore we have nothing of value except what we produce. Our lives are nothing without that which we create, even if its only another life. That’s our gift. Our talent. Maybe not unique in the universe, but as we’ve not met any martians, there it is. Talk about that. Not death. Death happens everywhere. Where there is life there is death. To define us by that is to negate our individuality.

—-

So there it was. That’s what happens when I review a movie on three gins.

Daniel Craig quantums his solace with two bitches, bitches!

Mon, 13 Apr 2009 11:32:31 -0400

Daniel Craig quantums his solace with two bitches, bitches!

Quantum of Solace (2008)

Mon, 13 Apr 2009 11:31:32 -0400

I watched this on Blu-ray yesterday with my brother. Fantastic. My dad’s sound system is killer.

There are some films that I can really let go… and like them for what they are. Actually I can’t. I’m typically pretty stuck up about this, but with Bond, well, after 40 years these films have the pedigree to more or less do what they want and be judged within their own bloodline.

So, whereas Fast and the Furious can lick my perianal region, I will gladly lick the same of Bond films with crazy chase scenes.

Keep your iPod down, there’s more dialogue in this one than Casino Royale!!! I’d tell you what happens but I mean come on… Bond film = Cheeky lines, gratutitous implied sex, death, awesome wardrobe. Add a beer and this could be MY life!!!!

planettampon: Thoughts on Taken: Maggie Grace can run exactly...

Sat, 04 Apr 2009 16:12:51 -0400

planettampon:

Thoughts on Taken:

Maggie Grace can run exactly like a 17-year-old.

Liam Neeson’s nose.

HOLLY VALANCE IS PLAYING A MEGA-FAMOUS POPSTAR. IRONY.

That French dude is completely dickable.

That French dude is EVIL. Take me NOW.

Oh shiiiiiiiii—

Hahaha, Father’s.

Famke Janssen, more like Fake Tan-ssen HURRHURR.

LIAM NEESON STOP TALKING PLZ.

I’m bored of Liam Neeson hitting people.

Okay shit’s exciting now.

JUNKIE SLUTS ♥.

Liam Neeson’s nose.

This is exactly like 24.

Blah blah, more running, driving, shooting, yelliiiiiing.

FAT ARAB.

Seriou—MAGGIE GRACE STOP RUNNING LIKE THAT?

Why are you so happy, bitch? You were kidnapped, forced heroin and almost sold to Arabs to defoul your innocent pussy. STOP SMILING.

HOLLY VALANCE AS A MEGA POPSTAR. HOLLY VALANCE IN A MANSION. HOLLY VALANCE. I bet she cried herself to sleep every night after filming.

The end? Ugh. I could’ve been masturbating this whole time. Christ.

I was gonna review it but this guy took care of it for me.

Young Temudjin is known for his fashion-forward “Mongolian...

Fri, 03 Apr 2009 09:00:45 -0400

Young Temudjin is known for his fashion-forward “Mongolian Necktie”.

Mongol (2007)

Thu, 02 Apr 2009 09:00:43 -0400

Leave it to the Russians to make a stupid movie. The problem here wasn’t the acting or the cinematography, both were top notch. But the plot itself was slow and contrived.

Temudjin (Tadanobu Asano) rises to power in medieval Mongolia.

There. Done. That’s it. You’ve seen the movie.

Every time there is about to be an epic battle of defining moment, the screen goes black and the next segment starts up with the protagonist magically victorious/healed/problem-solved/what have you.

In one scene it is implied that a wolf gets him out of stocks. In another he is shot directly in the spine with an arrow and the screen fades to black and then we see him walking around laughing with his friend. WTF?

In an epic battle against his ‘brother’ who outnumbers him nearly 10 to 1, a storm covers the field and his enemies are all afraid of thunder so he wins. Wow. Fuck this movie.

But, honorable mention: skull crushing scene. I flinched. Cool.

Waste your time on IMDB.com.

If I had those glasses I’d probably get laid more.

Wed, 01 Apr 2009 09:00:45 -0400

If I had those glasses I’d probably get laid more.

Re-Animator (1985)

Tue, 31 Mar 2009 09:00:46 -0400

I confess I am not cool. My first knowledge of this film came from a scene in American Beauty. What can I say?

Herbert West (Jeffrey Combs) studies death. He is desperate to continue his research and bring people back to life. Dr. Hill (David Gale) wants to steal the credit and attempts to do so after West revives Dean Alan Halsey (Robert Sampson).

This movie is great. All the nudity and camp you’d expect from a classic horror flick.

Honrable mention: This is the first time I’ve ever seen a headless corpse attempt cunnilingus. I would like to praise the creative mind who thought that would be a nice touch.

Guess where the chicken goes….

Mon, 30 Mar 2009 08:05:03 -0400

Guess where the chicken goes….

Five Easy Pieces (1970)

Sun, 29 Mar 2009 09:00:44 -0400

For real, I’d let Jack Nicholson fuck me. He deserves it.

Bobby Dupea (Nicholson) is a shiftless asshole. Needless to say he gets laid a lot. He finds out his father is ill and is forced to bring his girlfriend with him to his family house in Washington. He arrives and finds his intellectual family just as repugnant as when he left them in the first place.

In the course of his stay, he has time to understand himself, but seems helpless to do anything about it. Stay tuned at the end for the best way to dump a chick.

You know, I’ve seen this movie twice now but I just can’t quite get my head around what the point of it is. Maybe I’m just stupid. But still, great flick. Worth watching. Nicholson is an amazing actor.

The Time Machine (2000)

Sat, 28 Mar 2009 09:00:43 -0400

Jeremy Irons wants YOU for Battlefield: Earth.

This movie wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be, but it was still pretty horrible. Nevertheless, I managed to make it through, mostly because I can’t stop looking at Guy Pearce’s weird upper lip.

Alexander (Guy Pearce) invents a time machine so that he can save his fiance’s life. Things go awry and our traveller speeds instead to the future, looking for answers to his dilemma. Instead he finds a devolved planet where humans have become their own food source. Go from there.

Honestly, I only saw this because it was on TBS at four-something in the morning. This would usually be a case where I’d say, “Don’t see it in the theater, wait for the DVD.” But considering, I’d say wait till it’s the only thing on TV and you’re still up past your bedtime. Or go to sleep when you see it’s on. Makes no difference.

Honorable mention: Nominated for “Best Made For TV Movie to Hit Theaters”.

Time Machine -shockingly enough- on imdb.com.

I taught this kid everything he knows about fuckin’.

Thu, 26 Mar 2009 10:05:00 -0400

I taught this kid everything he knows about fuckin’.

The Reader (2008)

Thu, 26 Mar 2009 10:00:00 -0400

When I went to see The Watchmen a few weeks ago, the audio was all fucked up so the theater gave me a free pass. Rain check. I considered using it for a “date”, but my roommate wasn’t interested.

Young, sick Michael Berg (some foreign kid) stumbles into the hallway of a pedophile and it works out really cool. Because see he was a virgin, and she was an older chick. So basically he got to have real sex first, and then fuck the shit out of all the illegal chicks afterwards while it was still legal for him to do so. But none of that was in the movie. Just the old-on-kid stuff.

He reads to her before and after sex, and all is well. One day he shows up ta her apartment and she’s gone. This affects his relationships with women ever after. Welcome to life, kid.

Years later, in law school, he observes the trial of several female SS guards, one of which is his old flame. By now he can tell that she has incriminated herself because she was too ashamed to admit to something. Feeling pity (?), he sends her tapes in jail, reading to her again.

See, this is what I got from the movie. But their relationship is never resolved (grr), and everyone else tells me this movie was SUPPOSED to be about the generational gap in Germany and how the two reconcile with each other and with the Holocaust. Well excuse fucking me. The goddamn Holocaust wasn’t even mentioned till halfway in.

For this reason I found the entire thing very convoluted. If that message was THE message, then cut the love crap out. I’m sorry to say it, but Vonnegut was right. If you throw love into a story, all other themes fall by the wayside. Love is great, but, as usual, it consumes everything else in its path, including your plot.

Honorable mention: I got a box of Buncha Crunch in the theater. $4. No news there. I shit you not though, the thing was filled a third of the way. I mean come on. Packed by weight my fucking ass. For four fucking dollars you can at least have the courtesy to fuck me by half.

Northern Irish children play soccer at the Royal Belfast Youth...

Tue, 24 Mar 2009 10:05:00 -0400

Northern Irish children play soccer at the Royal Belfast Youth Community Center in The Devil’s Own.

The Devil's Own (1997)

Tue, 24 Mar 2009 10:00:00 -0400

I rented this movie looking to round out my “movies about the Troubles” collection. If you think about it, there were a lot of movies about that kinda stuff in the 90’s. All laced with Sinead O’Connor ethereal soundtracks. I think the weirdest foray into all of that had to be The Crying Game. IRA meets LBGT.

Frankie Maguire narrowly escapes a brush with ~~those fucks~~ the British police in Belfast and it’s decided he needs to go to the USA and pick up some Stinger Missiles to bring back home.

Sympathetic Americans set him up with a phoney job and a safehouse, but the safehouse belongs to straight-laced NY cop Tom O’Meara (Harrison Ford). All Frankie has to do is sit tight and prepare the “shipment” to sail for Ireland. But things go wrong and the bad guys come looking for him, and Tom’s family receives some of the punishment. O’meara figures out what Maguire is doing and is torn between his compassion for the lad and his oath to bring men like him to justice.

I dunno. It’s OK. If you like Harrison Ford, give it a watch. If you’re into all those 90’s Jack Ryan-esque Ford flicks, you might like it. I’d give it a C and recommend some better IRA movies if you’d like. However, there is always the…

Honorable mention: Brad Pitt’s Legends of the Fall fake beard makes a comeback appearance.

Christian Slater demonstrates the “Roman Shower”.

Mon, 23 Mar 2009 10:05:00 -0400

Christian Slater demonstrates the “Roman Shower”.

He Was A Quiet Man (2007)

Mon, 23 Mar 2009 10:00:00 -0400

Yet another psychological bumper cars. What’s going on with this shit? Fight Club. I blame Fight Club for this. Then there was The Machinist, then some other movie I can’t remember (Vanilla Sky), and now this.

Bob Maconel (Christian Slater) plays ~~Tyler Durden~~ a typical paper-pushing cubicle worker that is literally stopping himself everyday from going Columbine on his colleagues. On the day he’s gonna pull the trigger, he ends up shooting another maniac who beat him to the punch. With his new fame comes a new job, a new girlfriend, and a new lust for life. But that’s all short-lived as it becomes very apparent that Bob still has some issues. Not least of which are taking cues from goldfish à la Son of Sam.

Slater gave a good performance but you couldn’t help likening him to Milton from Office Space. The plot was a bit muddled. I ended up picking an alternate ending from the special features that made the most sense so I could stop thinking about this movie and start thinking about…

Honorable mention: Elisha Cuthbert’s colostomy bag.

Quiet Man on imdb.com