Movie news and film reviews from the caviar-squirting lunatic who brought you salmonbits.com.


April 4
planettampon: Thoughts on Taken: Maggie Grace can run exactly like a 17-year-old. Liam Neeson’s nose. HOLLY VALANCE IS PLAYING A MEGA-FAMOUS POPSTAR. IRONY. That French dude is completely dickable. That French dude is EVIL. Take me NOW. Oh shiiiiiiiii— Hahaha, Father’s. Famke Janssen, more like Fake Tan-ssen HURRHURR. LIAM NEESON STOP TALKING PLZ. I’m bored of Liam Neeson hitting people. Okay shit’s exciting now. JUNKIE SLUTS ♥. Liam Neeson’s nose. This is exactly like 24. Blah blah, more running, driving, shooting, yelliiiiiing. FAT ARAB. Seriou—MAGGIE GRACE STOP RUNNING LIKE THAT? Why are you so happy, bitch? You were kidnapped, forced heroin and almost sold to Arabs to defoul your innocent pussy. STOP SMILING. HOLLY VALANCE AS A MEGA POPSTAR. HOLLY VALANCE IN A MANSION. HOLLY VALANCE. I bet she cried herself to sleep every night after filming. The end? Ugh. I could’ve been masturbating this whole time. Christ. I was gonna review it but this guy took care of it for me.

planettampon:

Thoughts on Taken:

  • Maggie Grace can run exactly like a 17-year-old.
  • Liam Neeson’s nose.
  • HOLLY VALANCE IS PLAYING A MEGA-FAMOUS POPSTAR. IRONY.
  • That French dude is completely dickable.
  • That French dude is EVIL. Take me NOW.
  • Oh shiiiiiiiii—
  • Hahaha, Father’s.
  • Famke Janssen, more like Fake Tan-ssen HURRHURR.
  • LIAM NEESON STOP TALKING PLZ.
  • I’m bored of Liam Neeson hitting people.
  • Okay shit’s exciting now.
  • JUNKIE SLUTS ♥.
  • Liam Neeson’s nose.
  • This is exactly like 24.
  • Blah blah, more running, driving, shooting, yelliiiiiing.
  • FAT ARAB.
  • Seriou—MAGGIE GRACE STOP RUNNING LIKE THAT?
  • Why are you so happy, bitch? You were kidnapped, forced heroin and almost sold to Arabs to defoul your innocent pussy. STOP SMILING.
  • HOLLY VALANCE AS A MEGA POPSTAR. HOLLY VALANCE IN A MANSION. HOLLY VALANCE. I bet she cried herself to sleep every night after filming.
  • The end? Ugh. I could’ve been masturbating this whole time. Christ.

I was gonna review it but this guy took care of it for me.